Working in D.C.

A while back, Groupon had a deal for the Washingtonian magazine.  Ben and I decided it would be a good opportunity to learn about what’s going on in the area.

Usually, I’m quick to scan the magazine when it appears in our mailbox.  But for one reason or another, I just got around to reading November’s issue tonight.  And omg did I laugh.

[photo credit]

The whole magazine was dedicated to careers in D.C., and the feature article was the top 50 places to work.  Inbetween the lists of companies and their benefits were some “best of” lists – best excuse for not coming to work, best bizarre work behavior and best way to quit a job.  Let me share some of my favorites:

Best excuses for being late/not coming into work:

  • “A former colleague called in because they couldn’t find any pants to wear.  An angry ex had taken all of them and hidden them.”
  • “My goldfish died”
  • “My cat sat on my alarm clock and turned it off”
  • “My cat died last night and I need to bury her at her place of birth – Maui”
  • “I’m feeling great, but I think I’ll stay home just to make sure I don’t get sick”
  • I had a colleague who would call in sick on Monday if he was sick over the weekend, because he felt cheated out of his weekend”
  • “I had a coworker tell our boss that she was having a ‘fat day’ and just wanted to stay home.  My boss applauded her honesty and gave her the day off”
  • “I don’t want to lose the parking spot in front of my house”
  • “I got a voicemail from a subordinate who said he was sick as a dog.  It was during the World Cup, and he was a big fan.  He went on and on coughing and telling me how sick he was.  He thought he hung up the phone, but he didn’t. THe next two minutes were him and his buddies cheering and laughing.”

Best bizarre work behavior:

  • “A friend spills paper clips on the floor and lies down for a nap with her feet at the door.  If a colleague were to walk in, the door would hit her feet and she would wake up, saying ‘Oh, sorry, I just spilled these paper clips and was trying to pick them up”
  • “At another company, an employee would set up a coffee cup and his open briefcase and leave Post-It notes on his PC each morning, leading people to believe he was constantly in meetings.  Turns out he had taken a job across the street with a competitor and was drawing two incomes.”

Best way to quit a job:

  • “A former employee wrote a resignation letter as a haiku”
  • “I know someone who found crime-scene tape and taped his office door on the day he left with the comment that it was the scene of a burglary – the firm had stolen his ‘life, soul and twenties”
  • “Many years ago at another company, a coworker faxed a two-word resignation letter which said “I quite” instead of “I quit”
  • “An employee came into the office in his pajamas and tendered his resignation.  He said he didn’t plan to lose much sleep over it”
  • “A woman took a picture of herself in front of her new employer’s office building and e-mailed it to her old boss with the caption ‘If you’re wondering where I am today'”
  • “The network administrator changed all the passwords and left”
  • “A gentleman e-mailed his department of about 20 people stating he was going to pick up lunch.  He asked if anyone wanted anything, and several people brought him cash for their orders.  After two hours the office started to wonder where he was.  Shortly thereafter, they all received an e-mail from him saying he wouldn’t be returning to the office at all and that he’d mail their money back.”

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